40 days

So as we all know, I'm nearing 30. You may also know, I'm not at svelte as my blog makes me look. I officially hit my heaviest weight last year, and while I'm not gaining any more, I haven't been losing any weight either.

I know that I should love myself no matter what I look like- and I do. I don't think I could have said that 10, 5, or 2 years ago. I think it's safe to say that I've been struggling with my weight for about 20 years now, starting with my first bought of depression. (I don't think it's coincidence that my first round of depression happened when my father first entered my life, and my worst bought happened when I moved in with him 11 years later, and that so much of my body issues and self esteem are wrapped up in that.)

The fact of the matter is no matter how great I feel about myself, I can't stay at this weight. Can't do it. It's hard to find clothes that fit me at normal stores. My winter coat is a couple of years old, and needs to be replaced- it's outer seams are ripping from wear. But I can't find a coat in stores that fits me that doesn't make me look like the  Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. What's even worse is I have a closet full of clothes that used to fit me.

I've tried a lot of different things to lose weight, had doctors test me for any reason that would be causing me to gain and be unable to lose any weight. The only thing that has seemed to make sense is stress at this point. I  internalize my stress, and I have a lot of it. But amazingly enough, something that helps my stress is exercise.

Not that I've ever been adverse to working out, but I've had a hard time finding something that both relieves my stress and helps me lose weight. I've done yoga- which is great for relieving stress, but it only lets me maintain my current weight, I don't lose any. I've tried getting at least 6 hours of cardio in the gym a week, and gained weight doing. I love martial arts, but am too uncomfortable with my weight to want to join a local class.  I've worked on my diet as much as possible and really- I'm allergic to too much to even try to eat unhealthily.

But I've found a program were I've been able to see a quick turnaround- not overnight dramatic results, but enough to give me confidence that if I stay diligent, I'm going  to get positive results. So.

You may or may not know my sordid relationship with Christianity. At this point, if it works for you fantastic, but it just ain't my thing. But the tradition of Lent is hard-coded into my psyche. Usually, I give up religion for Lent, but this year I've decided to give up feeling bad about myself and hopeless about my weight situation. So I'm going to do this new program every day until Palm Sunday, and re-evaluate from there. In the past four days, though, I've seen more muscle tone on my arms and midsection then I did in 5 months of lifting weights with Anton in the gym, so I'm hoping I'm on to something here.

I think that me, myself, is awesome. I really do. But I'm still insecure about my weight, and it's going to be a hindrance with  a lot of things in life- I'm definitely not going to be flying Southwest any time soon. At this weight I don't enjoy going out- I don't have anything fun to get dressed up in. Someone keeps hinting about wanting kids- but there is absolutely no way, even if we were financially ready, that I would get pregnant in this physical condition.

So, there it is. I'm not about to turn this into a weight loss journal, or anything, but my health effects my life, and that's what I write about here. I shy away from talking about this type of stuff publicly. I don't know why. Maybe because I'm afraid of fessing up when I fail? That I don't like having anyone to hold me accountable? I don't know. Maybe this is also why I internalize everything? Because I don't fess up to the stuff that's -really- going on? Hopefully in 40 days I'll be on my way to lighter, happier, less stressed me. I'll keep you posted.