I know that I said I wasn't turning this into a weight loss journal, but let me get out of the way before I get into all the other excitement I had this week.
I'm on day 11. Yesterday, I thought I had hit my wall, only 1/4 of the way in. The energy, I did not have it.
I pulled through, obvs, but I'm starting to wonder if I have what it takes to get through 40 days. The program I'm doing, you are supposed to be able to do it every day for 30 days, so...I mean, I SHOULD be able to do it. I definitely think if I get through the next 29 days, I'm going to give myself at least one day off a week. Because this shit every day? Haaaaarrrrddddd.
I don't know if I've lost any weight- we don't have a scale that works (if you weigh a five pound bag of rice, it gives you a radically different weight each time.). I am noticing a difference in my body though. My back fat and ass fat no longer meet, so that's cool, right? My arms are getting toned (I have biceps!), and I'm looking forward to being able to show my legs off in skirts some day soon. (I may or may not have paid more attention to how hot my legs were during a recent romantic encounter then my husband. Maybe.)
I tried on a pair of pants I have from the next size down, and they fit over everything, but not well enough to actually zip up and button. BUT I'M GETTING THERE. That was a good motivation for me tonight, knowing that I might actually be able to wear clothes in my closet. If I got to be one size smaller by the end of this? Holy Fuck, would that be good.
I'm going to go admire my legs some more.
Showing posts with label fatty fat. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fatty fat. Show all posts
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Sunday, February 21, 2010
40 days
So as we all know, I'm nearing 30. You may also know, I'm not at svelte as my blog makes me look. I officially hit my heaviest weight last year, and while I'm not gaining any more, I haven't been losing any weight either.
I know that I should love myself no matter what I look like- and I do. I don't think I could have said that 10, 5, or 2 years ago. I think it's safe to say that I've been struggling with my weight for about 20 years now, starting with my first bought of depression. (I don't think it's coincidence that my first round of depression happened when my father first entered my life, and my worst bought happened when I moved in with him 11 years later, and that so much of my body issues and self esteem are wrapped up in that.)
The fact of the matter is no matter how great I feel about myself, I can't stay at this weight. Can't do it. It's hard to find clothes that fit me at normal stores. My winter coat is a couple of years old, and needs to be replaced- it's outer seams are ripping from wear. But I can't find a coat in stores that fits me that doesn't make me look like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. What's even worse is I have a closet full of clothes that used to fit me.
I've tried a lot of different things to lose weight, had doctors test me for any reason that would be causing me to gain and be unable to lose any weight. The only thing that has seemed to make sense is stress at this point. I internalize my stress, and I have a lot of it. But amazingly enough, something that helps my stress is exercise.
Not that I've ever been adverse to working out, but I've had a hard time finding something that both relieves my stress and helps me lose weight. I've done yoga- which is great for relieving stress, but it only lets me maintain my current weight, I don't lose any. I've tried getting at least 6 hours of cardio in the gym a week, and gained weight doing. I love martial arts, but am too uncomfortable with my weight to want to join a local class. I've worked on my diet as much as possible and really- I'm allergic to too much to even try to eat unhealthily.
But I've found a program were I've been able to see a quick turnaround- not overnight dramatic results, but enough to give me confidence that if I stay diligent, I'm going to get positive results. So.
You may or may not know my sordid relationship with Christianity. At this point, if it works for you fantastic, but it just ain't my thing. But the tradition of Lent is hard-coded into my psyche. Usually, I give up religion for Lent, but this year I've decided to give up feeling bad about myself and hopeless about my weight situation. So I'm going to do this new program every day until Palm Sunday, and re-evaluate from there. In the past four days, though, I've seen more muscle tone on my arms and midsection then I did in 5 months of lifting weights with Anton in the gym, so I'm hoping I'm on to something here.
I think that me, myself, is awesome. I really do. But I'm still insecure about my weight, and it's going to be a hindrance with a lot of things in life- I'm definitely not going to be flying Southwest any time soon. At this weight I don't enjoy going out- I don't have anything fun to get dressed up in. Someone keeps hinting about wanting kids- but there is absolutely no way, even if we were financially ready, that I would get pregnant in this physical condition.
So, there it is. I'm not about to turn this into a weight loss journal, or anything, but my health effects my life, and that's what I write about here. I shy away from talking about this type of stuff publicly. I don't know why. Maybe because I'm afraid of fessing up when I fail? That I don't like having anyone to hold me accountable? I don't know. Maybe this is also why I internalize everything? Because I don't fess up to the stuff that's -really- going on? Hopefully in 40 days I'll be on my way to lighter, happier, less stressed me. I'll keep you posted.
I know that I should love myself no matter what I look like- and I do. I don't think I could have said that 10, 5, or 2 years ago. I think it's safe to say that I've been struggling with my weight for about 20 years now, starting with my first bought of depression. (I don't think it's coincidence that my first round of depression happened when my father first entered my life, and my worst bought happened when I moved in with him 11 years later, and that so much of my body issues and self esteem are wrapped up in that.)
The fact of the matter is no matter how great I feel about myself, I can't stay at this weight. Can't do it. It's hard to find clothes that fit me at normal stores. My winter coat is a couple of years old, and needs to be replaced- it's outer seams are ripping from wear. But I can't find a coat in stores that fits me that doesn't make me look like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. What's even worse is I have a closet full of clothes that used to fit me.
I've tried a lot of different things to lose weight, had doctors test me for any reason that would be causing me to gain and be unable to lose any weight. The only thing that has seemed to make sense is stress at this point. I internalize my stress, and I have a lot of it. But amazingly enough, something that helps my stress is exercise.
Not that I've ever been adverse to working out, but I've had a hard time finding something that both relieves my stress and helps me lose weight. I've done yoga- which is great for relieving stress, but it only lets me maintain my current weight, I don't lose any. I've tried getting at least 6 hours of cardio in the gym a week, and gained weight doing. I love martial arts, but am too uncomfortable with my weight to want to join a local class. I've worked on my diet as much as possible and really- I'm allergic to too much to even try to eat unhealthily.
But I've found a program were I've been able to see a quick turnaround- not overnight dramatic results, but enough to give me confidence that if I stay diligent, I'm going to get positive results. So.
You may or may not know my sordid relationship with Christianity. At this point, if it works for you fantastic, but it just ain't my thing. But the tradition of Lent is hard-coded into my psyche. Usually, I give up religion for Lent, but this year I've decided to give up feeling bad about myself and hopeless about my weight situation. So I'm going to do this new program every day until Palm Sunday, and re-evaluate from there. In the past four days, though, I've seen more muscle tone on my arms and midsection then I did in 5 months of lifting weights with Anton in the gym, so I'm hoping I'm on to something here.
I think that me, myself, is awesome. I really do. But I'm still insecure about my weight, and it's going to be a hindrance with a lot of things in life- I'm definitely not going to be flying Southwest any time soon. At this weight I don't enjoy going out- I don't have anything fun to get dressed up in. Someone keeps hinting about wanting kids- but there is absolutely no way, even if we were financially ready, that I would get pregnant in this physical condition.
So, there it is. I'm not about to turn this into a weight loss journal, or anything, but my health effects my life, and that's what I write about here. I shy away from talking about this type of stuff publicly. I don't know why. Maybe because I'm afraid of fessing up when I fail? That I don't like having anyone to hold me accountable? I don't know. Maybe this is also why I internalize everything? Because I don't fess up to the stuff that's -really- going on? Hopefully in 40 days I'll be on my way to lighter, happier, less stressed me. I'll keep you posted.
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