dead trees and swollen rivers

This winter has been pretty tame compared to our first winter here. We've had three major snow falls, but all the big storms that keep pummeling the East Coast have been staying to the south of us.

This week, instead of the snow that everyone else was getting, we had five days of rain. (Ah yes, that's the Massachusetts I've grown used to.) We live up on a hill, but the road in front of us has been flooded on either side of the driveway (Awesome!). One side because of the runoff from our complex, and the other side because some beavers have damed off the marsh there, so anytime it looks like rain it floods over the road.

Thursday night was just -wicked-. The winds were shaking our apartment, and the zombie tree uprising of 2010 was upon us. We had rolling brown outs for awhile, until we finally lost power. awesome.  One of the things I've noticed about the East Coast is they don't do storms well. It seems like if it looks a little wonky out, people lose power. Last winter, they had contractors from all over the US to try to restore power after some weak ice storms. I think the only time we lost power for any significant length of time in Michigan was when the power grid from New York went down and we were without power for a few days a few years ago. East Coast is wimpy.

Anyway. The alarm system in our building went off all night to let us know that we had no power, which was comforting. We got power back as I was leaving for work Friday morning. The drive to work was weird- it smelled like wood shavings everywhere. There were trees down everywhere- in houses, garages, on cars, across the road. It was like a really sad uprising where the trees didn't realize they wouldn't be able to do much but fall.

It's still pretty decent out, but I'm not looking forward to another year of rain. I can't wait till we can move away from here. I try not to think about it much- I think people I don't know still know I hate Massachusetts. There's no point in repeating it. But I really, really can't wait until we figure out where we are going and get there.

Tired and Fat

I know that I said I wasn't turning this into a weight loss journal, but let me get out of the way before I get into all the other excitement I had this week.

I'm on day 11. Yesterday, I thought I had hit my wall, only 1/4 of the way in. The energy, I did not have it.

I pulled through, obvs, but I'm starting to wonder if I have what it takes to get through 40 days. The program I'm doing, you are supposed to be able to do it every day for 30 days, so...I mean, I SHOULD be able to do it. I definitely think if I get through the next 29 days, I'm going to give myself at least one day off a week. Because this shit every day? Haaaaarrrrddddd.

I don't know if I've lost any weight- we don't have a scale that works (if you weigh a five pound bag of rice, it gives you a radically different weight each time.). I am noticing a difference in my body though. My back fat and ass fat no longer meet, so that's cool, right? My arms are getting toned (I have biceps!), and I'm looking forward to being able to show my legs off in skirts some day soon. (I may or may not have paid more attention to how hot my legs were during a recent romantic encounter then my husband. Maybe.)

I tried on a pair of pants I have from the next size down, and they fit over everything, but not well enough to actually zip up and button. BUT I'M GETTING THERE. That was a good motivation for me tonight, knowing that I might actually be able to wear clothes in my closet. If I got to be one size smaller by the end of this? Holy Fuck, would that be good.

I'm going to go admire my legs some more.

40 days

So as we all know, I'm nearing 30. You may also know, I'm not at svelte as my blog makes me look. I officially hit my heaviest weight last year, and while I'm not gaining any more, I haven't been losing any weight either.

I know that I should love myself no matter what I look like- and I do. I don't think I could have said that 10, 5, or 2 years ago. I think it's safe to say that I've been struggling with my weight for about 20 years now, starting with my first bought of depression. (I don't think it's coincidence that my first round of depression happened when my father first entered my life, and my worst bought happened when I moved in with him 11 years later, and that so much of my body issues and self esteem are wrapped up in that.)

The fact of the matter is no matter how great I feel about myself, I can't stay at this weight. Can't do it. It's hard to find clothes that fit me at normal stores. My winter coat is a couple of years old, and needs to be replaced- it's outer seams are ripping from wear. But I can't find a coat in stores that fits me that doesn't make me look like the  Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. What's even worse is I have a closet full of clothes that used to fit me.

I've tried a lot of different things to lose weight, had doctors test me for any reason that would be causing me to gain and be unable to lose any weight. The only thing that has seemed to make sense is stress at this point. I  internalize my stress, and I have a lot of it. But amazingly enough, something that helps my stress is exercise.

Not that I've ever been adverse to working out, but I've had a hard time finding something that both relieves my stress and helps me lose weight. I've done yoga- which is great for relieving stress, but it only lets me maintain my current weight, I don't lose any. I've tried getting at least 6 hours of cardio in the gym a week, and gained weight doing. I love martial arts, but am too uncomfortable with my weight to want to join a local class.  I've worked on my diet as much as possible and really- I'm allergic to too much to even try to eat unhealthily.

But I've found a program were I've been able to see a quick turnaround- not overnight dramatic results, but enough to give me confidence that if I stay diligent, I'm going  to get positive results. So.

You may or may not know my sordid relationship with Christianity. At this point, if it works for you fantastic, but it just ain't my thing. But the tradition of Lent is hard-coded into my psyche. Usually, I give up religion for Lent, but this year I've decided to give up feeling bad about myself and hopeless about my weight situation. So I'm going to do this new program every day until Palm Sunday, and re-evaluate from there. In the past four days, though, I've seen more muscle tone on my arms and midsection then I did in 5 months of lifting weights with Anton in the gym, so I'm hoping I'm on to something here.

I think that me, myself, is awesome. I really do. But I'm still insecure about my weight, and it's going to be a hindrance with  a lot of things in life- I'm definitely not going to be flying Southwest any time soon. At this weight I don't enjoy going out- I don't have anything fun to get dressed up in. Someone keeps hinting about wanting kids- but there is absolutely no way, even if we were financially ready, that I would get pregnant in this physical condition.

So, there it is. I'm not about to turn this into a weight loss journal, or anything, but my health effects my life, and that's what I write about here. I shy away from talking about this type of stuff publicly. I don't know why. Maybe because I'm afraid of fessing up when I fail? That I don't like having anyone to hold me accountable? I don't know. Maybe this is also why I internalize everything? Because I don't fess up to the stuff that's -really- going on? Hopefully in 40 days I'll be on my way to lighter, happier, less stressed me. I'll keep you posted.

Hey Jamie, you're the big star today!

So I had a birthday! And it was fun. Anton and I took the day off work with the original intention to head back to Portland and see all the stuff we missed last time and dine at the Green Elephant again. But, Anton was still sick and I was still all weak from being sick and from my girly business, so instead we stayed up late Monday night watching "Sita Sings the Blues" which, if you have not seen, you need to go watch RIGHT NOW because it is very very good. It is for frees on the interwebs and I know that you if you have time to browse the interwebs you have time to watch it. /End promo.

Tuesday, we slept in till eleven which was divine. Even during my weekends I have a hard time sleeping in, no matter what time I went to bed. The Birthday Gods must have been looking out for me or something. That was really close to being the best birthday gift EVAR.

We spent a lot of time just bumming around town, there may or may not have been pizza, and generally, just a really chill day which is exactly what we needed. 

I was showered with love-y gifts from my family, too, lots of books and journals and cute stuff and I feel loved, with or without presents. Good day. Not terribly thrilled to be on this fast downhill slide to thirty (not that I think thirty is terribly old, or forty for that matter. It's just not an age I'm in a hurry to be.), but I am incredibly impressed that I've been married to my best friend for four years. ONLY four years...it feels like a life time already. 

fat cats get slim!

Well hello, blog people!

I had a birthday/anniversary this past week and am now inching closer to thirty onnoes. More about that laters.

So, you know how we were having issues with our fatty mcfatfat cats and had to put them on a feeding schedule? Oh what a joy that has been. One the one hand, not having food available to them all day has cut back on what they actually consumed, almost by half. Chester and Eowyn have both lost weight- this is good, because we hadn't noticed that Chester's harness was starting to rub the fur off his chest. Fat little turd.

On the other hand, it meant that the cats were very determined to get me out of bed early every day. All five. Very loudly. Waking up to a cat wanting to cuddle is one thing, waking up to an angry mob is another.

For ages I've wanted to get the cat version of the Kong toys for my cats for treats. We found one in Portland a few weeks ago, and after the initial annoyance of their treats not being easily obtained they got the hang of it. Even seemed to enjoy it.

So, when we found a larger feeder in a similar vein at Petco on Tuesday, we nabbed it. Now, all five are forced to work for their food, which supposed to make them happy (They're not convinced of this yet) and less lazy.  I'm not too sure about that. Chester lays on his side, shoves his leg through, pulls out some food and eats...and eats. But he eats decidedly less, and hasn't put on any weight this week, so. We're putting this in the win column for now.

This one is all whining.

BAH WHAT THE FUCK WHY AM I SICK.

I just. Why? I -never- get sick,and now I've gotten retardedly sick twice in like, 35 days. I was fine Saturday- a little headache,but nothing major. Then I woke up at 4 on Sunday morning with chills and a fever. WTF, body. W. T. F.

Fortunately, I have a whole new set of symptoms so it's exciting and new every day!  The best one, in my humble snot-ridden opinion, is the pain I've had in my upper row of teeth/gums. Like, I lie awake fantasizing about ripping out all my teeth and filing my teeth down to nothing. Orajel is currently my best friend.

Can't shake this fever, though. I think if I could stay home and sleep one day, I'd be doing awesome, but we're so short handed at work I'd have to get a doctor's note or I'd get written up. (and going to the doctor's office would be pointless- I'd be more likely to pick up something worse while in the waiting room.)

Tonight's the night. Gonna break this fever tonight!



P.S. my husband has requested I tell the world about his brilliance, er, his new journal.