So, it's been awhile. I'm consistently overtired, and despited wanting to get on and journal or comment on other people's journals, I'm fucking tired.
This past week kicked my ass, too.I'm not good with time changes anymore; they wear me out. On top of that we had some massive flooding, which did not help me get a restful sleep at all. Here's the thing: if you leave our driveway going right, that's a big dip in the road, and the beavers so it floods at the slightest hint of rain. If you turn left out of our driveway, it's the Shawsheen river, a generally boring slow thin river. But the 8 1/2 inches of rain we got last weekend exploded all the rivers around here. To say they were swollen is a major understatement. We can normally only see the barest edge of the Shawsheen through the trees behind our house. By Tuesday, it was about 15 yards away.
Monday night, they sent us all home from work early to make sure we could all get home. And while the grocery store across the street had it's parking lot swallowed up, our road was still passable.
Cut to Tuesday night. The rain had stopped the day before, and I wasn't that concerned that we had much to worry about. When I got close to my exit from the highway, traffic was stopped. Not moving slow, but stopped, and the exits were backed up onto the highway. No big deal, I thought. I'll just go to the next exit, and come up from the other direction.
Nope. Cops were blocking my 2nd choice route home, because, as it finally dawned on me, the Shawsheen cuts through Andover too, and if I couldn't get over it in Lawrence, going 2 miles down the road probably wasn't going to be any better. I got back on the highway, panicked, because if the road was flooded where it was high on a hill, the dip 20 feet below was probably impassable, too. Where would we stay? How would I get to the cats? I wasn't too worried about the apartment itself- we're at one of the highest points in the area.
As it turned out, the Shawsheen had overtaken the road, but it wasn't too deep- the highway was backed up because drivers had to go slow, and single file over the two-lane part of the road to get through. When I got to it, since my adrenaline was up anyway from worrying about getting home to my stupid cats, I was terrified of being coming one of those people you see on the news who's car get's carried down the river because they were stupid enough to think they could go through it.
Once I got safely home, I called Anton to let him know not to try the back way, to take the highway even though it was going to take FOREVER, and sat to wait, gnawing my nails. Sure, getting through in my Jeep is one thing, but he drives a lower to the ground Seabring. And I think at that point I was just worrying to worry (once I start, I can't stop! Yay, anxiety disorder!).
But, he made it, and the river backed off a little more every day. We were definitely luckier then people closer to the Merrimack in lower parts of the state, for sure. My boss had about 10K worth of damage to his home, and was still pumping water from his basement on Friday. We've been rewarded with some beautiful weather- yesterday, the first day of spring, was 71. Absolutely gor-geous.
Now, though. It's starting to cool again and it's supposed to be raining for a few days this coming week. I'm paranoid about going to work and not being able to come home. Or losing power. I hate losing power and it happens EVERY TIME IT STORMS. Massachusetts is not well prepared for the repeat power outages and flooding- it seems like EVERY FUCKING TIME it rains, it floods. Seriously guys? Figure something out!
Off to find a canoe.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Sunday, March 7, 2010
You know what drives me bananas?
People using pictures of their kids as their profile pictures. Not pictures of them WITH their kids, just their toddlers. This is part of the reason I unfriended most of my high school classmates because of this (and because of their obsession with JESUS and making multiple posts a day about JESUS and FREEDOM and all sorts of thinly veiled racist comments.)
Though, the only reason I friended any of them was to see what they look like now and how shitty their lives are. Since most of them don't understand privacy settings on Facebook, I can do that without friending them. Hurrah!
(Don't act like you don't troll Facebook for former classmates doing the exact same thing. It's awesome.)
Though, the only reason I friended any of them was to see what they look like now and how shitty their lives are. Since most of them don't understand privacy settings on Facebook, I can do that without friending them. Hurrah!
(Don't act like you don't troll Facebook for former classmates doing the exact same thing. It's awesome.)
Welp.
So, I'm not going to make the 40 uninterrupted days. Tuesday I pulled a muscle in my neck and by Wednesday evening the act of turning my neck was enough to make me dizzy and nauseated, so I sat it out. What can you do?
Anyway, I'm making little bits of progress still. Nothing earth shattering but enough to keep me going. It really just highlights how much work I have ahead of me though, so quitting altogether is out. Baby steps, I guess. I can't make it past level one of the workout program because I have virtually no upper body strength,but I'm getting there.
Anyway, I'm making little bits of progress still. Nothing earth shattering but enough to keep me going. It really just highlights how much work I have ahead of me though, so quitting altogether is out. Baby steps, I guess. I can't make it past level one of the workout program because I have virtually no upper body strength,but I'm getting there.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
dead trees and swollen rivers
This winter has been pretty tame compared to our first winter here. We've had three major snow falls, but all the big storms that keep pummeling the East Coast have been staying to the south of us.
This week, instead of the snow that everyone else was getting, we had five days of rain. (Ah yes, that's the Massachusetts I've grown used to.) We live up on a hill, but the road in front of us has been flooded on either side of the driveway (Awesome!). One side because of the runoff from our complex, and the other side because some beavers have damed off the marsh there, so anytime it looks like rain it floods over the road.
Thursday night was just -wicked-. The winds were shaking our apartment, and the zombie tree uprising of 2010 was upon us. We had rolling brown outs for awhile, until we finally lost power. awesome. One of the things I've noticed about the East Coast is they don't do storms well. It seems like if it looks a little wonky out, people lose power. Last winter, they had contractors from all over the US to try to restore power after some weak ice storms. I think the only time we lost power for any significant length of time in Michigan was when the power grid from New York went down and we were without power for a few days a few years ago. East Coast is wimpy.
Anyway. The alarm system in our building went off all night to let us know that we had no power, which was comforting. We got power back as I was leaving for work Friday morning. The drive to work was weird- it smelled like wood shavings everywhere. There were trees down everywhere- in houses, garages, on cars, across the road. It was like a really sad uprising where the trees didn't realize they wouldn't be able to do much but fall.
It's still pretty decent out, but I'm not looking forward to another year of rain. I can't wait till we can move away from here. I try not to think about it much- I think people I don't know still know I hate Massachusetts. There's no point in repeating it. But I really, really can't wait until we figure out where we are going and get there.
This week, instead of the snow that everyone else was getting, we had five days of rain. (Ah yes, that's the Massachusetts I've grown used to.) We live up on a hill, but the road in front of us has been flooded on either side of the driveway (Awesome!). One side because of the runoff from our complex, and the other side because some beavers have damed off the marsh there, so anytime it looks like rain it floods over the road.
Thursday night was just -wicked-. The winds were shaking our apartment, and the zombie tree uprising of 2010 was upon us. We had rolling brown outs for awhile, until we finally lost power. awesome. One of the things I've noticed about the East Coast is they don't do storms well. It seems like if it looks a little wonky out, people lose power. Last winter, they had contractors from all over the US to try to restore power after some weak ice storms. I think the only time we lost power for any significant length of time in Michigan was when the power grid from New York went down and we were without power for a few days a few years ago. East Coast is wimpy.
Anyway. The alarm system in our building went off all night to let us know that we had no power, which was comforting. We got power back as I was leaving for work Friday morning. The drive to work was weird- it smelled like wood shavings everywhere. There were trees down everywhere- in houses, garages, on cars, across the road. It was like a really sad uprising where the trees didn't realize they wouldn't be able to do much but fall.
It's still pretty decent out, but I'm not looking forward to another year of rain. I can't wait till we can move away from here. I try not to think about it much- I think people I don't know still know I hate Massachusetts. There's no point in repeating it. But I really, really can't wait until we figure out where we are going and get there.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Tired and Fat
I know that I said I wasn't turning this into a weight loss journal, but let me get out of the way before I get into all the other excitement I had this week.
I'm on day 11. Yesterday, I thought I had hit my wall, only 1/4 of the way in. The energy, I did not have it.
I pulled through, obvs, but I'm starting to wonder if I have what it takes to get through 40 days. The program I'm doing, you are supposed to be able to do it every day for 30 days, so...I mean, I SHOULD be able to do it. I definitely think if I get through the next 29 days, I'm going to give myself at least one day off a week. Because this shit every day? Haaaaarrrrddddd.
I don't know if I've lost any weight- we don't have a scale that works (if you weigh a five pound bag of rice, it gives you a radically different weight each time.). I am noticing a difference in my body though. My back fat and ass fat no longer meet, so that's cool, right? My arms are getting toned (I have biceps!), and I'm looking forward to being able to show my legs off in skirts some day soon. (I may or may not have paid more attention to how hot my legs were during a recent romantic encounter then my husband. Maybe.)
I tried on a pair of pants I have from the next size down, and they fit over everything, but not well enough to actually zip up and button. BUT I'M GETTING THERE. That was a good motivation for me tonight, knowing that I might actually be able to wear clothes in my closet. If I got to be one size smaller by the end of this? Holy Fuck, would that be good.
I'm going to go admire my legs some more.
I'm on day 11. Yesterday, I thought I had hit my wall, only 1/4 of the way in. The energy, I did not have it.
I pulled through, obvs, but I'm starting to wonder if I have what it takes to get through 40 days. The program I'm doing, you are supposed to be able to do it every day for 30 days, so...I mean, I SHOULD be able to do it. I definitely think if I get through the next 29 days, I'm going to give myself at least one day off a week. Because this shit every day? Haaaaarrrrddddd.
I don't know if I've lost any weight- we don't have a scale that works (if you weigh a five pound bag of rice, it gives you a radically different weight each time.). I am noticing a difference in my body though. My back fat and ass fat no longer meet, so that's cool, right? My arms are getting toned (I have biceps!), and I'm looking forward to being able to show my legs off in skirts some day soon. (I may or may not have paid more attention to how hot my legs were during a recent romantic encounter then my husband. Maybe.)
I tried on a pair of pants I have from the next size down, and they fit over everything, but not well enough to actually zip up and button. BUT I'M GETTING THERE. That was a good motivation for me tonight, knowing that I might actually be able to wear clothes in my closet. If I got to be one size smaller by the end of this? Holy Fuck, would that be good.
I'm going to go admire my legs some more.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
40 days
So as we all know, I'm nearing 30. You may also know, I'm not at svelte as my blog makes me look. I officially hit my heaviest weight last year, and while I'm not gaining any more, I haven't been losing any weight either.
I know that I should love myself no matter what I look like- and I do. I don't think I could have said that 10, 5, or 2 years ago. I think it's safe to say that I've been struggling with my weight for about 20 years now, starting with my first bought of depression. (I don't think it's coincidence that my first round of depression happened when my father first entered my life, and my worst bought happened when I moved in with him 11 years later, and that so much of my body issues and self esteem are wrapped up in that.)
The fact of the matter is no matter how great I feel about myself, I can't stay at this weight. Can't do it. It's hard to find clothes that fit me at normal stores. My winter coat is a couple of years old, and needs to be replaced- it's outer seams are ripping from wear. But I can't find a coat in stores that fits me that doesn't make me look like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. What's even worse is I have a closet full of clothes that used to fit me.
I've tried a lot of different things to lose weight, had doctors test me for any reason that would be causing me to gain and be unable to lose any weight. The only thing that has seemed to make sense is stress at this point. I internalize my stress, and I have a lot of it. But amazingly enough, something that helps my stress is exercise.
Not that I've ever been adverse to working out, but I've had a hard time finding something that both relieves my stress and helps me lose weight. I've done yoga- which is great for relieving stress, but it only lets me maintain my current weight, I don't lose any. I've tried getting at least 6 hours of cardio in the gym a week, and gained weight doing. I love martial arts, but am too uncomfortable with my weight to want to join a local class. I've worked on my diet as much as possible and really- I'm allergic to too much to even try to eat unhealthily.
But I've found a program were I've been able to see a quick turnaround- not overnight dramatic results, but enough to give me confidence that if I stay diligent, I'm going to get positive results. So.
You may or may not know my sordid relationship with Christianity. At this point, if it works for you fantastic, but it just ain't my thing. But the tradition of Lent is hard-coded into my psyche. Usually, I give up religion for Lent, but this year I've decided to give up feeling bad about myself and hopeless about my weight situation. So I'm going to do this new program every day until Palm Sunday, and re-evaluate from there. In the past four days, though, I've seen more muscle tone on my arms and midsection then I did in 5 months of lifting weights with Anton in the gym, so I'm hoping I'm on to something here.
I think that me, myself, is awesome. I really do. But I'm still insecure about my weight, and it's going to be a hindrance with a lot of things in life- I'm definitely not going to be flying Southwest any time soon. At this weight I don't enjoy going out- I don't have anything fun to get dressed up in. Someone keeps hinting about wanting kids- but there is absolutely no way, even if we were financially ready, that I would get pregnant in this physical condition.
So, there it is. I'm not about to turn this into a weight loss journal, or anything, but my health effects my life, and that's what I write about here. I shy away from talking about this type of stuff publicly. I don't know why. Maybe because I'm afraid of fessing up when I fail? That I don't like having anyone to hold me accountable? I don't know. Maybe this is also why I internalize everything? Because I don't fess up to the stuff that's -really- going on? Hopefully in 40 days I'll be on my way to lighter, happier, less stressed me. I'll keep you posted.
I know that I should love myself no matter what I look like- and I do. I don't think I could have said that 10, 5, or 2 years ago. I think it's safe to say that I've been struggling with my weight for about 20 years now, starting with my first bought of depression. (I don't think it's coincidence that my first round of depression happened when my father first entered my life, and my worst bought happened when I moved in with him 11 years later, and that so much of my body issues and self esteem are wrapped up in that.)
The fact of the matter is no matter how great I feel about myself, I can't stay at this weight. Can't do it. It's hard to find clothes that fit me at normal stores. My winter coat is a couple of years old, and needs to be replaced- it's outer seams are ripping from wear. But I can't find a coat in stores that fits me that doesn't make me look like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. What's even worse is I have a closet full of clothes that used to fit me.
I've tried a lot of different things to lose weight, had doctors test me for any reason that would be causing me to gain and be unable to lose any weight. The only thing that has seemed to make sense is stress at this point. I internalize my stress, and I have a lot of it. But amazingly enough, something that helps my stress is exercise.
Not that I've ever been adverse to working out, but I've had a hard time finding something that both relieves my stress and helps me lose weight. I've done yoga- which is great for relieving stress, but it only lets me maintain my current weight, I don't lose any. I've tried getting at least 6 hours of cardio in the gym a week, and gained weight doing. I love martial arts, but am too uncomfortable with my weight to want to join a local class. I've worked on my diet as much as possible and really- I'm allergic to too much to even try to eat unhealthily.
But I've found a program were I've been able to see a quick turnaround- not overnight dramatic results, but enough to give me confidence that if I stay diligent, I'm going to get positive results. So.
You may or may not know my sordid relationship with Christianity. At this point, if it works for you fantastic, but it just ain't my thing. But the tradition of Lent is hard-coded into my psyche. Usually, I give up religion for Lent, but this year I've decided to give up feeling bad about myself and hopeless about my weight situation. So I'm going to do this new program every day until Palm Sunday, and re-evaluate from there. In the past four days, though, I've seen more muscle tone on my arms and midsection then I did in 5 months of lifting weights with Anton in the gym, so I'm hoping I'm on to something here.
I think that me, myself, is awesome. I really do. But I'm still insecure about my weight, and it's going to be a hindrance with a lot of things in life- I'm definitely not going to be flying Southwest any time soon. At this weight I don't enjoy going out- I don't have anything fun to get dressed up in. Someone keeps hinting about wanting kids- but there is absolutely no way, even if we were financially ready, that I would get pregnant in this physical condition.
So, there it is. I'm not about to turn this into a weight loss journal, or anything, but my health effects my life, and that's what I write about here. I shy away from talking about this type of stuff publicly. I don't know why. Maybe because I'm afraid of fessing up when I fail? That I don't like having anyone to hold me accountable? I don't know. Maybe this is also why I internalize everything? Because I don't fess up to the stuff that's -really- going on? Hopefully in 40 days I'll be on my way to lighter, happier, less stressed me. I'll keep you posted.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Hey Jamie, you're the big star today!
So I had a birthday! And it was fun. Anton and I took the day off work with the original intention to head back to Portland and see all the stuff we missed last time and dine at the Green Elephant again. But, Anton was still sick and I was still all weak from being sick and from my girly business, so instead we stayed up late Monday night watching "Sita Sings the Blues" which, if you have not seen, you need to go watch RIGHT NOW because it is very very good. It is for frees on the interwebs and I know that you if you have time to browse the interwebs you have time to watch it. /End promo.
Tuesday, we slept in till eleven which was divine. Even during my weekends I have a hard time sleeping in, no matter what time I went to bed. The Birthday Gods must have been looking out for me or something. That was really close to being the best birthday gift EVAR.
We spent a lot of time just bumming around town, there may or may not have been pizza, and generally, just a really chill day which is exactly what we needed.
I was showered with love-y gifts from my family, too, lots of books and journals and cute stuff and I feel loved, with or without presents. Good day. Not terribly thrilled to be on this fast downhill slide to thirty (not that I think thirty is terribly old, or forty for that matter. It's just not an age I'm in a hurry to be.), but I am incredibly impressed that I've been married to my best friend for four years. ONLY four years...it feels like a life time already.
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